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My Friendship Post-Navigating the Gains and Losses

"It’s not you, it’s me." A line often said at the point of rejection. A line that actually had me feeling something might be wrong with me. I think it’s intent was the opposite. But as life and relationships progress, you might be like me and turn around to find yourself walking a little more alone. It’s hard not to imply, “wow, it must be me.”


I have pursued health hard this last decade. This has meant seeking deeper relationships with God, myself and others. On that journey I have become more aware of the things that drive me, the people that fuel me and the promises that are for me. On this road of discovering the depths of God’s love for me and defining my true identity, I have lost a few along the way. A few that I had hoped would still be with me today. For the longest time, I thought that was my fault. I thought something was wrong with me. Now, I realize maybe something was right.


I don’t think I always had a healthy view of friendship. I think sometimes I held onto ideas of what others could be in my life rather than what they actually were. I think my dysfunction sometimes played the hero, and in my wholeness I have learned they weren’t who I wanted or I wasn’t who they needed and letting go was actually okay.


In my 20’s, I was acquiring all the friends. I wanted to fill my life with more people and more fun as I “figured” my future out.


In my 30’s, the friends in this season began to weed out. I settled in. I discovered my path, married my man, began to have babies and built our home. My time and treasure shifted and left some friendships on the outs.


And now I sit in my 40’s having done the deeper work of truly knowing who I am and the people that I choose to keep close. This is the decade that the friends may be fewer, but they run deep.


I’m not sure there is any way to skip past the heart work of creating your crew. No real way to avoid the pain to receive the joy. No short cuts to developing rich relationships—in fact the more you grow, the more they go—but take it from me—it’s worth the work. Don’t settle. You will find the ones convinced of your worth. Lock arms with those ones. Together you will soar, and it will be so much fun.


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